I realized yesterday, that my role model happens to be a not quite 4-year-old. It was our weekly switch day, this time him to me. It went much the same as it always does, both her and I very excited to see each other. In the car she told me she missed me so much as she always does and then said that she missed herself too. I laughed and asked her what she meant by that and she said that she has to be her other self when she’s at her dad’s.
At first I kind of worried that my kid had split-personality disorder, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized just how bright she is. She literally lives two lives, one with them and another with us, each of these being quite different. I was struck by the fact that she is fully aware of this. It was in thinking about this and the way that she copes that I realized just how strong my little girl is.
Every week she is disappointed to have to leave us but she rarely cries. It’s obvious that she wants to but as she has told me, she tries not to cry because she knows it makes me sad and she likes it better when I am happy. When she loses the internal battle and sheds some tears, she always apologizes to me.
One week when we were on our way to his house she told me that she wished her dad didn’t love her anymore because then he wouldn’t miss her and she wouldn’t have to go there. This of course broke my heart but following her example, I choked back the tears and explained to her that she didn’t mean that, that she would be sad if she didn’t see her dad anymore, and I reminded her that she has fun when she is there.
I will be the first to admit that she has a good dad. Obviously, I would love to be able to have her with me all of the time but I cannot deny the fact that he is good to her. We have our differences but I know he loves her and his intentions are good. Yesterday though, she reminded me yet again that her grandma has a picture at her house from our wedding day. Her dad is wearing a tuxedo with a flower and I am wearing a wedding dress. This time though she asked why we broke up. I told her we just didn’t love each other anymore (I refuse to discuss infidelity with my 4-year-old). She asked why and said that she just needed to know. I told her we just didn’t and maybe she could ask her dad next week and see what he says; this seemed to pacify her for the time being.
Being 3 months old when we separated, she does not ever remember us being together and yet the little wheels in her head spin constantly and she feels an extreme need to figure it all out. Much like her mother, she is not content just living the life dealt to her without completely understanding it and making it her own.
Not a day goes by that I am not haunted by the life that I have given my daughter. She will never know a traditional home or family, due to no mistake or decision-making on her part. This is always hard for me to swallow but at the same time, I can honestly say that I am thankful that instead of having one home in which her parents are miserable together, she gets two homes and four parents that are very happy. Because of this, we are all more able to give her the life she deserves.
But above everything else, she has been there for me and gotten me through so many times and in so many ways that she is not even aware of. When I found out about his affair, I was insanely depressed, if not for her I would still be in bed. She’s the reason I enrolled in school and went to class everyday. I even have her to thank for me giving love another chance. I could go on but you get the point. I’m where I am today because she gave me a reason to get here. I look up to her strength and ability to take life as it comes to her and always remain positive, to hold back tears for the benefit of someone else but to be able to cry when absolutely necessary (because there are things that only a good cry can cure), to find extreme happiness in small everyday events and things, the list goes on and on. Yes, she’s my daughter and I will always feel the need to brag about her and will always see great things in her, but how many parents can say that their child is their role model?
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